Meeting engaged couples and going through marriage preparation with them is a blast! How else can I say it? It's fun, stimulating,
inspiring, and it keeps us in the "alive" zone. Most of the premarital couples are in their twenties or early thirties (although we
have had some in their forties.) No matter what the age, couples who are in love are excited and looking forward to their union. They
are in a frame of mind to be interested in learning whatever they can to enhance their relationship.
This makes our job easy! We just
love them and show sincere, deep, and warm interest in them. One way we do this is to put ourselves in the shoes of a young couple
coming to strangers for premarital mentoring. (Because we were in a fellowship of 5000 people, we didn’t know the couples who were
assigned to us by the family ministry pastor.) As an engaged couple, what would be some of the thoughts going through our minds as
the day approached for our first meeting? We would probably have some apprehensions and concern about how we will be treated by the
mentoring couple. Will it be an enjoyable experience or will the mentors be overbearing, opinionated, clinical, or some other such
negative experience. Another question would be whether they would judge us and give us a "pass / fail" evaluation.
Building rapport
with the couple
All those concerns and more can readily confront a couple as they knock on our door for the first time. Therefore,
the first thing we do is to eliminate those concerns right out of the starting gate. We warmly welcome them and spend the first meeting
getting comfortable with each other. We build rapport with them by sharing our lives––by being transparent with them and by displaying
gentleness and meekness. They soon know that, during the course of the meetings, we will share some of our own issues and struggles––some
of our own weaknesses and wounds. John Piper said in one of his books that the quickest way to a person’s heart is through a wound.
I find that true. And for someone to open up on such a level with people they have just recently met is a testimony of God’s grace
and His Spirit amongst us.
By the end of the first meeting (and usually by half way through the first meeting) the couple can rest
assured and be comfortable with us––knowing that we don’t have it all together and that we won’t pretend we do. Nothing develops trust
like being honest about one’s own life! And trusting us is the one thing we want them to take with them from that first meeting.
By browsing through the workbook, they already know that we will be going into deep waters with them about their relationship. Having
their trust is essential. Being trustworthy of their feelings and thoughts––their very hearts––is a privilege and the highest honor
that can be given us.
The Building Your Marriage Upon the Rock premarital workbook is a great tool for helping the premarital preparation process. One reason
is that it asks the probing questions while leaving us free to engage them on an equal level as they work through it with each other.
The workbook draws them into deeper relationship with each other. Each uses their own book, and they do the work separately and alone
and then come together to discuss their answers before they meet with us. This gives them time to dialog, to clarify, and to consider
each other’s answers, viewpoints, and feelings and to work out conflicts, changes, or negotiation with each other. Actually, it’s
on-the-job training in relationship building!
Is it always fun and laughter?
Most of the time it is. We get couples, however, from
all types of backgrounds and life experiences. Some, for example, have met in an addiction recovery group or a divorced recovery group.
Some have suffered childhood abuse and have lingering issues. Some want to marry for unsound reasons. Such people might be bound
by sin, past experiences, issues, and problems. Thus, they might not be in a healed and set free state.
There
are times when we get red flags or yellow caution flags about a couple’s relationship. When that happens, we don’t jump to conclusions
but rather pray about the matter and see how things progress. If the flags are still there after a few more meetings, my wife and
I will be frank about our observations, and invite them to enlighten us as to whether we are seeing things clearly. If the red flags
persist, they will have already been told from our earliest meetings that such concerns would be shared with their pastor or our own
spiritual headship. But, other than those who have a need to know, the couple is assured of strict confidence.
Again, the workbook
does an excellent job of ferreting out these issues. Usually, by the time they have completed three or four session, they, themselves,
have become aware of suppressed or hidden concerns and issues. Occasionally, a couple will call off their engagement after several
meetings. And for that, we rejoice, because they, themselves, conclude that their relationship is not being built on solid ground.
premarital workbook
